…bad SyFy and B (or Z) rated movies
( photos not mine )
Let me preface this by saying, I make no apologies for this post. I make no apologies if it makes you want to go out and buy this or that movie RIGHT AWAY or, more likely, stab yourself in the eye just so you don’t have to see the sheer amount of bad CGI and bad acting.
See, I have this love-to-hate relationship with just really badly made, badly scripted sci-fi movies. You know the ones that went STRAIGHT to TV or DVD and didn’t pass go or collect $200? You sometimes wonder what they were thinking when they thought that train wreck was a good idea. But then you realize, there are ACTUAL TV shows that are just plain bad currently airing and know, there is always a market for sheer mindless entertainment.
This weekend, I wanted something that wasn’t serious in the least while I played Pyramids and Solitaire on Neopets. Something that I can have running in the background, glance over from time to time and realize I’m not missing MUCH.
So, I rented F6: Twister and Apocalypse Pompeii.
They were just as bad as you would imagine.
In fact, a scene from Apocalypse Pompeii went exactly (okay, more or less) like this:
BOY: Would you ever want to live in Italy?
GIRL: Are you kidding me? I would die to live in Italy!
MOUNT VESUVIUS (who might as well be a title character and given benefits): *ERUPTS*
I kid you not.
I wish I was making this up.
I mean, it really is no wonder it received ONE star even on a site like IMDB.
Now, watching as many bad sci-fi movies that I have, I have come up with series of lessons to take away in the event of a disaster.
Let’s run through them, shall we?
( not mine, just edited by me )
1) Repeat after me, ALWAYS follow the runaway animals.
Not just sometimes.
Not just once in a while.
A. L. W. A. Y. S.
Follow the animals.
You, the smarter than thou human, don’t always make it.
Once disaster is adverted, they will trot happily home as though nothing at all happened.
2) Sharks are everything.
They will eat anything and most importantly, ANYONE.
They don’t care.
3) Don’t play God.
Even if it’s not biologically possible, it will happen.
See: Sharktopus. See: Point #2.
4) Are you having marital problems? Are you and your SO on a falling out?
Chances are, and they’re pretty good, that at the end of insert-your-disaster-here, unless one of you dies, you’ll rediscover why you loved each other in the first place.
Your children will be happier for it too.
Now they won’t have to listen to you snark at each other about why you’re always chasing that tornado or why global warming is SUPER IMPORTANT.
Or why that SUPER IMPORTANT meterologist keeps interferring with your marriage.
5) Speaking of… Global Warming.
Freak snow storm in the middle of summer? Global Warming.
Tornados off the EF scale? Global Warming.
Electrical storm from Jupiter? Global Warming.
Take any natural disaster and it’s because of Global Warming.
Chances are, there will be ONE person who knows it too and no one else will believe them.
Until it’s too late.
6) NEVER take packages from strangers or those set on your doorstep without a return address.
Chances are, you may get some harmless (and old) looking snow globe that sets off the ENTIRE apocalypse.
I’m not talking Supernatural-style apocalypse either with angels and demons and the Winchesters.
I’m talking about STONES CRASHING TO EARTH and EARTHQUAKES and FAULT LINES OPENING UP SWALLOWING CARS, PEOPLE AND ANYTHING THAT’S NOT AN ANIMAL.
Go ahead and do us all a favor and throw it in a volcano that’s just there. It’ll save us a lot of problems in the long run.
Like death and destruction.
7) You are less likely to die if you are the child of the main adult couple.
They usually want you to live.
Other teenagers? Other adults? They’re easy come easy go.
BUT! If you are the snarky or too-smart-for-your-own-good child of the main couple, you have a survival rate of 99%.
The 1% is reserved for anyone up against Ghost Shark.
Which takes you back to point #2.
8) The government and corporations are behind EVERYTHING and knows EVERYTHING.
And will likely dismiss and ignore EVERYTHING until they cannot.
If you try to tell them that something is SERIOUSLY NOT RIGHT, they will not believe you.
Until it bites them in the ass and kills some of their own.
They sort of frown upon that.
Have others to add? Sound off in the comments below!
*Edited after reconsidering the creation of Sharktopus.